spiritual

AzCADV: Domestic Violence In Arizona and How YOU Can Help!

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Guest Post by Allie Bones, Executive Director of AzCADV

This year marks the twenty fifth anniversary of the first Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM), when advocates across the country remember victims of violence, celebrate the strides we’ve made, lament recent setbacks, and spur communities to action.

Although its occurrence is often eclipsed by other causes recognized in October, we believe DVAM is one of the most important awareness campaigns observed throughout the year.

The AzCADV is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization that represents anti-domestic violence programs and other concerned individuals and groups. The Coalition was formed in 1980 so that citizens and professionals could unite and, through this statewide organization, increase public awareness about domestic violence, enhance the safety and services for domestic violence victims, and reduce the incidence of domestic violence in Arizona families.

Our mission is: to lead, to advocate, to educate, to collaborate, to end domestic violence in Arizona.

As you might know, domestic violence is a pattern of behavior used by one partner to exert power and control over the other. This violence can take many forms, including physical, sexual, emotional, and financial abuse.

Domestic violence affects women, children, and men regardless of age, race, ethnicity, or class. However, according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, 85% of victims of domestic violence are women (2003).

The AzCADV plays a vital role as the focal point for service providers and as a resource center for the general public. By working closely and collaboratively with a wide variety of other groups, we ensure domestic violence is a consideration in many forums. This coordination between providers and others maximizes the use of limited funding available for domestic violence services in Arizona.

We fulfill our mission by representing 36 domestic violence programs located across the state. These programs assist nearly 10,000 victims of domestic violence and their children each year with services ranging from emergency shelter beds and transitional housing, to support groups, individual counseling, employment assistance, legal advocacy, and child care, among others.

We recently celebrated with Advocates and AzCADV supporters of the anti-domestic violence community at the 3rd Annual Thrive Gala and Awards Dinner on September 19, 2012. It was an honor to present six Arizona advocates with the Thrive Awards to recognize their tenacity, strength, and commitment to ending domestic violence.

Gala guests know that their dedication to empowering the 12 million Americans who experience domestic violence each year is a noble and just pursuit. This event serves to inspire those who work tirelessly to give victims hope and support when they have none.

We presented the statewide conference on domestic violence in September as well, and were pleased to host over one hundred advocates who learned from local and national experts about the latest trends and research in the field.

While these amazing advocates and community partners continue to serve victims and their children in emergency shelters and non-residential programs, some recent developments aren’t cause for celebration.

When a courageous victim reaches out for help, too often she or he finds none is available. In one 24-hour period in late 2011, 36 programs in our state served 1,611 victims of domestic violence. Sadly, programs had to turn away 195 victims during that period. Programs did not have available beds or enough staff to meet every request, so some victims in Arizona are not finding help from conventional sources even when they find the courage to reach out.

Put yourself in a victim’s shoes: imagine gathering the fortitude to make the call to an emergency shelter. Imagine telling a perfect stranger that you’re being hurt by someone you love and are thinking of fleeing your home. Imagine being willing to leave everything behind, packing just a small bag with your most valuable possessions- if there is even time to pack anything at all. Now, imagine being told there isn’t room for you.

What’s more, state funding for Arizona’s domestic violence programs has recently been altered. While some programs received an increase, others saw their funding slashed by up to 80%. We fear this will result in other victims being turned away from shelters and non-residential programs.

Since 2000, AzCADV has researched and tracked the domestic violence-related fatalities that occur in Arizona.

In 12 years, at least 1,213 people have died in domestic violence-related incidents. We define “domestic violence-related incidents” broadly, including victims of familial homicide, intimate partner homicide, perpetrators who commit suicide or are killed by law enforcement during a domestic violence incident, and bystanders who may have tried to intervene or were targeted by a perpetrator.

This creates a reasonably comprehensive picture, but it is inherently incomplete. Some fatalities fail to garner a news article, or information related to underlying domestic violence may not be included. Other deaths may occur in related circumstances but cannot be specifically linked to domestic violence.

In 2011, 103 people died in tragedies that we know about. The youngest, Angel Diaz, was just 6 months old. The oldest was 76. More males died than females, which has been a trend since we started tracking the deaths.

Males, however, were rarely killed by current or former intimate partners. Of the 54 men who died in domestic violence-related incidents in 2011, 7 were victims of intimate partner violence, representing 12% of the deceased males. The vast majority committed suicide, which is consistent with information from previous years.

The majority of female victims, however, were murdered by intimate partners (53%). For more information on domestic violence-related fatalities and to read our yearly reports, visit http://azcadv.org/domestic-violence-info/downloadable-resourc/statistics-reports-a/fatality-and-homicid/top.

One way we’re addressing the above issues is by providing the latest research and model polices in trainings across Arizona. Our Training Department speaks with advocates, law enforcement officials, social service agencies, and community members on a wide variety of topics, including best practices in crisis intervention, skills for new advocates, and substance abuse and domestic violence.

If you would like to schedule a training for your agency or join one of our upcoming events, please visit http://www.eventbrite.com/org/461277497?s=3942045.

Sometimes it seems like there is nothing that can be done, that the problem is too big and too many people have been hurt by domestic violence. But there are ways for each of us to be a part of the solution.

What can you do?

1. Know what resources are available so you can refer a friend or family member who reaches out for help. The Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence’s Legal Advocacy Hotline is available Monday through Friday, 8:30 am to 5 pm to assist with legal information, referrals, and safety planning (602-279-2900). The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available round the clock and can be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

2. Consider volunteering or donating to your local anti-domestic violence program. Find out what services are located near you by visiting www.azcadv.org.

3. Learn more. An issue that affects one in four women surely demands our attention. Read more at http://www.thehotline.org/get-educated/.

It is possible to end domestic violence in Arizona.

It will take dedication. It will take resources. It will take persistence.

And it will take every one of us.

***************************************************************************

Here’s where to find help if you are being abused.

Want to help? Tweet or FB this link and break the silence about Domestic Violence. Someone you know is in an abusive relationship and needs this information!

Don’t miss an update. Sign up for Organic Mama Cafe’s email list. This subject will stay on my agenda even when October ends.

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Allie Bones is the Executive Director of the Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence (AZCADV). The mission of the organization is to lead, to advocate, to educate, to end domestic violence in Arizona. Throughout her career, she has held a variety of governmental and advocacy positions focusing on issues of violence against women, homelessness and hunger. 
Allie has previously worked for the AZ Department of Economic Security as the State Homeless Coordinator and Program Manager for domestic violence, homeless, and hunger programs. Before that, she was a Senior Program Analyst for Violence Against Women in former Governor Janet Napolitano’s Office for Children, Youth and Families, Division for Women. Allie was an Executive Director for the Arizona Coalition to End Homelessness just before joining the Governor’s staff, and she started her career with the AZCADV as a Systems Advocate, advocating and lobbying for systems changes to improve the lives of victims of domestic violence and hold offenders accountable.
Allie earned her Bachelor’s Degree from the University of Arizona in Family Studies and completed her Master of Social Work in May of 2001 at Arizona State University.
In her free time, Allie enjoys spending time with her husband since 2000, Dave, and their children traveling, boating, golfing and watching movies.

 

 

Recovering Spiritually from Miscarriage & Hemorrhage

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This list is for those women who are recovering from miscarriage (or serious hemorrhage as a result) – and possibly more importantly, it’s for their partners and loved ones.

This month has felt like a roller coaster in some ways and I can honestly say that I would not have emerged as healthily as I have without the encouragement of my friends and family. I don’t want to waste space recounting the original story so you can read it here.

I have simply listed what I felt – and I have decided to categorize it all as normal. I do want to say regarding the “Guilt – was it my fault?” entry, don’t worry about reassuring me. Technically, I know it probably wasn’t my fault but those feelings are a natural and probably necessary part of the grieving process.

These are just some of the things I’m moving through or have already passed.

Recovering from Miscarriage, One Month Later. 

I hope this is a help for those of you who are going through this. I will not minimize your pain by trying to make it ok. It isn’t ok. But, know you are not alone and even if I don’t know your name, I am saying a prayer for your healing even as I write these words.

Blessings…Monna

 

Spiritual

I’ve always believed that women have an incredible intuition and connection to the spiritual world – especially in times of menstruation, pregnancy and the death. As I get older, I find this is true of many of the wise women in my life as well.

Insight can come in the form of dreams that help us to realize something about ourselves, our lives or the person we lost. It can come in the words of a friend, stranger or something we read. It can even arrive through a quiet voice.

In all of the above listed experiences, I have personally received strong insights into areas of personal growth and spiritual understanding. I must add miscarriage to that list.

I received strong intuition the night I miscarried. After I felt the first labor-like pains and passed some blood and tissue, I thought I would try to lie down and rest. But, as I went to bed, I had a strong feeling that I would bleed too much and asked my husband to watch over me because of that concern. I believe it was a message, and one that may have saved my life.

Besides the message during my miscarriage, the last few weeks have been very spiritually eye-opening for me. Those lessons are for my spirit alone to process but I’d encourage you to listen if you’re in any of the above stages. If we desire wisdom, we only need to listen. She speaks loudly.

My suggestions for healing after a miscarriage

Be in the moment you’re in already. If you try to escape it, it will only chase you till you pay attention.

If you are feeling physical pain, acknowledge and deal with it. Meaning, if you need Tylenol (or something stronger), take it. Just be careful not to get dependent on it.

Eat strong, nourishing food and drink lots of water so your body can recover and take a multivitamin at least till you’re done bleeding.

Pamper yourself for a while – new books, pedicure, massage, chocolate. 🙂

REST as much as possible the first few days following a miscarriage – even if you didn’t go through hemorrhage. Miscarriage is a huge loss – for your body and your spirit. You will need rest to recover from the bleeding and to have the strength to deal with the emotions to follow.

Get some sunshine for at least 10 minutes every day. Walking in the sun every day soothed my sore spirit. It gave me hope that life would go on and I would feel normal again.

Allow yourself the chance to be sad or angry. These are normal stages of grief. Cry or yell if you feel it will help. I would suggest not yelling in front of kids (*smile*) but crying is perfectly normal and ok.

For those of you who have children, don’t hide your grief from your kids. Death and loss are part of life. Keep it simple if they catch you in a moment of grief. When my kids ask why I am crying, I answer simply, “I am feeling sad about the baby but I’ll be ok.” Kids are pretty pragmatic. They usually hugged me and return to whatever they were doing.

If you find you’re crying all the time or feeling hopeless or listless, call a friend or, if necessary, a counselor. Sometimes, we just need to hear words of hope or be reassured that what we’re feeling is normal. But don’t wait till you feel desperate.

Let your friends and family help. If they offer meals or babysitter, let them. If you’re feeling worn down and the laundry is unfolded, ask for help or let it wait till morning. You’ll catch up soon.

Find some time alone with your partner and make a real effort to include topics other than the miscarriage. You can still bring it up but you might find it is a relief to your healing heart. Plus, your partner lost a baby too and might need encouragement or a change of topic himself.

Pray, sing, exercise, go out with people who really love you and will allow you to be real with them about where you are.

Recovering Physically from Miscarriage & Hemorrhage

Recovering Emotionally from Miscarriage & Hemorrhage

The loss of a child is so painful and often isolating. I share my story in the hope that it will make you feel less alone. Please pass it on if you know of someone who it might encourage.

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Recovering from Miscarriage, 9 months and counting

By | Miscarriage, Parenting, Pregnancy | 4 Comments

It’s been 9 months since I had a life-threatening miscarriage due to hemorrhage in February 2011.  At the time, I promised to share a little from time to time about healing after miscarriage. So here are some glimpses into the past – almost year.

****************

April 2011

My moon-cycle (period, monthly etc) started today. I’ve been feeling grumpy, bloated, snarly, feeling giant and everything that sometimes accompanies that time of the month. When I saw that red today, I felt raw and vulnerable. Everywhere I turn I see pregnant women. Even my four year old notices it. As we watched another family walk into the store with three kids she remarked sadly, “You know, I really wanted us to have three kids in our family, Mom.” I gulped and said, “Me too, baby. We still may.”

****************

May 2011

This month one of my dearest friends, who shared both my early pregnancy journeys, came for a visit from out of state. It was both healing and heartbreaking. I loved seeing our kids together, playing happily. As I held her youngest and third little one, I squeezed his sweet, chubby rolls close to me and breathed in his perfect baby scent. And my heart felt squeezed a little too as tears rolled down my cheeks without my permission. I couldn’t help but think about the baby I should have been heavy with by this point.

I don’t begrudge her the joy of her baby, of course. I just wish mine could be here too.

****************

June 2011

The “real” bills are starting to arrive regularly and the dollars are adding up. At first, it felt like insult added to injury. Not only did I not bring my baby home, a miscarriage cost more than a live birth! I’ve decided instead of dreading those little square envelopes, I’m going to say a little prayer of thanks every time I open one. After all, if it weren’t for the ambulance service, hospital and doctors who are sending bills, I wouldn’t be here to worry about paying them!

postscript: YES!! Due to our being on a single income, we discovered that not one but TWO of our largest bills were completely forgiven. I spent an afternoon in happy tears and feeling gratitude for unexpected blessings.

**************

July 2011

I find myself thinking of my little one more and more as my due date approaches. Was the baby a girl or a boy? It doesn’t really  matter, I suppose. But seeing pregnant women who are just about the stage I would have been at this month sometimes brings a stab of pain to my heart. In my more tired, vulnerable moments, I find tears coming to my eyes.

But most of the time, I trust that my baby was just not meant to come for some reason. I am starting to recognize how different that pregnancy was from my first two. I wasn’t very sick – and I was wretched with my first two. I just felt different last time.

Fears about getting pregnant again definitely surfaced this month since I am at a point physically where I’m healthy enough to get pregnant. My cycle was regular within a month of the miscarriage but I wanted to build my system back up again after the severe blood loss. This month, I have to admit I’m completely back to myself. But, the thought of getting pregnant and possibly losing another baby or almost dying again really gives me pause. I spent about a week before my cycle was due reliving the experience, feeling that faintness and seeing blood everywhere. Maybe it’s kind of like PTSD?

Then, I reminded myself that one of the primary lessons I learned from almost not being here – was to BE HERE. I am determined to experience life to the fullest and not let fear hold me back. So, I put those thoughts out of my mind and decided I’d cross that bridge when I come to it.

August 2011 – November 2011

While I still miss my little one and always will, I am not morbidly depressed or constantly in mourning. This may be because I already have two children to keep me busy. I want to grieve in a healthy way but still stay engaged in life.

I am learning to speak of my baby – not only here but in “real” life too. I am open about admitting I have had a miscarriage when it is appropriate and I’m not afraid to stretch the realms of what is appropriate either. I hope that kind of honesty from me and others will open the door for us as parents, family and friends to mourn miscarriage loss as legitimately as the loss of  loved ones we have had a chance to meet and love in person.

Lastly, most of you know that we are again expecting a little one sometime next year. I hope this encourages those of you who’ve had a miscarriage – whether or not it was as physically dramatic as mine. There IS life and hope after grief and loss!

Please keep commenting and sending me your stories. My hope is that women searching for hope and encouragement will find this blog and your comments and know they are not alone.

Recovering Physically from Miscarriage & Hemorrhage

Recovering Spiritually from Miscarriage & Hemorrhage

Please pass this on if you know of someone who it might encourage.

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Recovering from Miscarriage; Overcoming “The LIST”

By | Miscarriage | 8 Comments

If you’ve had a miscarriage before, you know about “The List”. After miscarrying a baby you’ve been dreaming of holding, it’s only normal to compile the list. On that list go all the things we worry might have contributed to our baby’s demise.

We compile the list because we wants answers and a way to avoid pain in the future. But the truth is, a lot of pregnancies end in the first trimester and even after because the baby isn’t developing properly. My pragmatic side accepts this truth but my “that was my baby!” side doesn’t accept it.

That side of me created this list.

1. I worked to exhaustion the week before I miscarried. I had a list of housework to complete and kept going till my feet couldn’t hold me anymore.

2. I ate too much Chocolate. ‘Cause of its caffeine-like affect on our bodies. On my list of things to do the weekend I had my miscarriage was making a huge chocolate cake from scratch. Not only was I worn out but I worried that eating this might have caused my miscarriage.

3. I carried my two year old in a backpack while hiking (yes, all in the same weekend). But, I was in the habit of hiking regularly (and carrying my daughters too).

These were the items on my immediate list. Of course, the list has another side as well. It’s where you list all the things you think should have told you this pregnancy might not be a healthy one.

I only had a few…

1. I didn’t feel as sick. The 15-18 weeks of my first two pregnancies were miserable because I was sick 24/7. I woke nauseous, spent the daylight hours wishing I could be asleep to escape it and went to bed nauseous. This time, I started feeling better around 10 weeks, which made me nervous.

2. I wasn’t as emotional/exhausted this time.  My husband is a trooper and handles my crazy pregnancy mood swings very well. But, he even noticed that this time, I seemed my normal self.

I think every woman who has miscarried creates some version of the list. It is a normal part of the grieving process to look for answers.

But Mama, I hope you realize as I did, that you probably didn’t do anything to cause your miscarriage.

One thing that helped me to regain perspective and put the list behind me was to remember that moms in third world countries who have terrible diets have live babies.

Moms on crack have live babies (though often severely challenged).

If my baby didn’t make it through the first trimester despite my healthy diet and lifestyle habits, it probably wasn’t meant to be. Our womanly bodies are wiser than we recognize.

That doesn’t mean I won’t have a healthy baby in the future and that goes for you too. I decided to take the time to recover – physically, emotionally and spiritually. I cried when I needed to and I was silent when I wanted silence. I also made myself seek the company of others who reminded me that life is good.

Since I was pregnant 3 months, I gave my body at least three months to get back to normal. A pregnancy that ends in miscarriage takes as much out of us as a live birth and our bodies needs to recoup the reserves before we try again. I ate fresh, unprocessed foods, took my chinese herbs, prenatal vitamins (mainly because of the extreme blood loss) and exercised.

And, I trust that my body will carry a baby to term again when and if it’s time. I hope you trust yours too.

Recovering Physically from Miscarriage & Hemorrhage

Recovering Spiritually from Miscarriage & Hemorrhage

Share this if you know of someone who it might encourage.

Don’t miss updates from Organic Mama Cafe. Subscribe. 

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