miscarriage

Oct 13
0

A Miscarriage and an Unexpected Turn of Events, part 2

By | Uncategorized | No Comments

***If you are faint of heart, this may not be a post for you. It contains frank and graphic descriptions of blood and loss. ***

Up until last week, my family and I were happily anticipating the opportunity to announce the impending arrival of our third little one. We wanted to wait till I was a little further along to let everyone know. Unfortunately, my news today is not the happy announcement I was planning. Here is part two of the story of the loss of our baby.

Read A Miscarriage and an Unexpected Turn of Events, Part 1.

I went to bed with a sense of peace although I could feel mild cramping and knew what it meant. I slept quietly for a few hours.

Around midnight, Robert came to bed after a night of working through a new song set for an upcoming rehearsal. I woke and felt the labor-like pains my midwife told me to expect.

The contractions were strong and intense and felt like the start of real labor – only they increased in intensity very quickly. Perhaps it was the emotions involved that made them seem more painful than normal labor.

It takes my breath away now just remembering it. I tried not to dwell on the fact that the pain meant I wouldn’t be meeting my baby. Instead, I concentrated on accepting the moment.

Robert helped me to the bathroom and I lost blood and tissue. I hated the thought that my baby was breaking apart into the toilet. Part of me hoped I would be able to catch it and the other feared I might.

I remembered Pam reminding me not to stay in the bathroom but to rest in between pains because it might take a while. As I lay back down in bed, I felt the pain subside and I wished I could sleep.

For some reason, I asked Rob to stay awake with me because I was afraid I would bleed too much.

My inner wisdom was guiding me.

Miscarriage and an Unexpected Turn of Events, part 3.

Losing a baby can leave us feeling isolated. I shared my experience in the hopes that it will help other women know they aren’t alone. If you know someone who would be encouraged by this post, please share it.

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Mar 12
0

Healing – A Decision and Process

By | Miscarriage, Pregnancy, Spirit | 5 Comments

Today I am thinking about how to heal from pain in a healthy way. I actually borrowed my title from Scott Savage, a friend and the author of The Joshua Collective blog. You’ll see his name in my writing from time to time because he also happens to be the pastor at Crash, a group of service oriented followers of Christ among whom I’m grateful to be counted. Anyway, I digress.

A few months ago at Crash, Scott talked about forgiveness and how it can change our lives. He talked about the true definition of forgiveness and whether or not it’s always appropriate to reconcile with the forgiven person (it’s not, btw – think abuse etc). It was a very powerful conversation for me – so maybe I’ll talk about that sometime. But today, I want to share a phrase he used that has rung in my ears ever since.

He said, “Forgiveness is both a decision and a process.”

As I mulled over those words, it occurred to me the last part of the sentence applies to far more than just forgiveness. Since then, the phrase has re-attached itself to something else in my life, the concept of healing. Healing – “is both a decision and a process.”

Healing has been a significant part of my life the last several years. In that past 6 years, my brother, mom and dad all died of cancer. Healing from pain that profound has been a long process. Many of you know that I had a severe miscarriage last year. I’m not going to recount that all right now but suffice it to say, it was a scary experience for me and I felt very grateful to still be here in the end.

I determined immediately afterward that I would be open both to the grief and the healing I wanted to experience as a result. Part of me wanted to be authentic and part of me wanted to speed the process. (After all, as a mom, I didn’t have time to wallow in grief, right?) From time to time, I’ve shared what it’s been like to recover from the loss of our baby and deal with the “scary” factor of being pregnant after such a traumatic miscarriage.

So, that was the “decision” part. I’ve often heard people say that the only part of life we control is our response to it. The decision to seek healing was within my control.

What I wasn’t as prepared for was the “process” of healing – which has at times smacked me in the face like a ton of bricks.

There have been odd moments like when I reached my 11 week mark in the new pregnancy (the week of pregnancy in which I’d last miscarried) and realized it coincided with the due date of the baby I’d lost. Ugh. Or the wedding where I suddenly found myself gulping back huge sobs as I happily squeezed the chunky little rolls of my dear friend’s baby. Most recently, I surprised myself by bursting into tears at the feeling of practice contractions squeezing my belly. The last time I felt those labor pains, my baby was dead and I feared I might be joining him or her.

For a while, I stopped writing about these things because I didn’t want to seem to be drawing attention to myself and because I don’t have a pat answer for how to resolve those feelings.

But my experiences and the support of friends over the last few weeks has convinced me that sharing is not only a good thing, it’s part of the healing I so want to have.

A few weeks ago, I did an incredibly (un?)-acrobatic move (for which I’m not currently in shape!) in the bathroom of a hotel room that literally landed me on my bum for a week and limited my ability to walk or do basic tasks for several more. During that time, several friends and my mother in law supported me with love and help in the form of meals, healing herb teas, help cleaning and words of encouragement.

In the meantime, I had a chance to sit quietly and face the fear I’d been unsure of how to resolve. Somehow, just sitting there, being honest about how I felt and letting myself grieve quietly healed my heart in a way I cannot explain. Allowing friends to express their kindness so sweetly left me feeling surrounded and safe.

Finally, last week, my honest answer to a friend who asked how I was feeling about the upcoming birth of my new little baby resulted in an eye opening response from her. I had been hoping to “overcome” my anxiety before labor and go in feeling strong and utterly fearless.

But she said, “It would be strange if you didn’t feel a little fear after what you went through. Instead, why not acknowledge it as part of your experience? It doesn’t mean you’re weak. Just human.” Her words helped me to know that feeling fear doesn’t necessarily mean I’m “not dealing” with it.

Those little moments of help, of support and of wise words from friends reiterated what I’ve been starting to believe about healing.

Healing takes different lengths of time and different forms for all of us. I think it’s possible to become lost in grief or to pretend that our experiences haven’t affected us. I have seen this happen but that’s not what I want for me. For me, healing has taken the form of being open to those tears when they come but also being determined to get up and move as soon as I recover even a little strength. I pray when I feel afraid and ask for courage. And, not least, I’m learning to share honestly with those who love me about how those experiences are still changing me – and letting those friends strengthen me when I’m not sure I have any strength left.

I don’t know what healing you might be seeking in your life right now but I hope just knowing that you are not alone in looking for it will be encouraging to you. Decide you want to heal, pray, share with those who love you – and be open to the process of healing that will surely follow.

With love…

Monna

p.s. if you’re looking for more information about healing from Miscarriage, I’ve written quite a bit about it. Start with Recovering from Miscarriage, One Month Later.

I share my story in the hope that it will make you feel less alone. Please pass it on if you know of someone who it might encourage.

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Nov 19
0

Recovering from Miscarriage, 9 months and counting

By | Miscarriage, Parenting, Pregnancy | 4 Comments

It’s been 9 months since I had a life-threatening miscarriage due to hemorrhage in February 2011.  At the time, I promised to share a little from time to time about healing after miscarriage. So here are some glimpses into the past – almost year.

****************

April 2011

My moon-cycle (period, monthly etc) started today. I’ve been feeling grumpy, bloated, snarly, feeling giant and everything that sometimes accompanies that time of the month. When I saw that red today, I felt raw and vulnerable. Everywhere I turn I see pregnant women. Even my four year old notices it. As we watched another family walk into the store with three kids she remarked sadly, “You know, I really wanted us to have three kids in our family, Mom.” I gulped and said, “Me too, baby. We still may.”

****************

May 2011

This month one of my dearest friends, who shared both my early pregnancy journeys, came for a visit from out of state. It was both healing and heartbreaking. I loved seeing our kids together, playing happily. As I held her youngest and third little one, I squeezed his sweet, chubby rolls close to me and breathed in his perfect baby scent. And my heart felt squeezed a little too as tears rolled down my cheeks without my permission. I couldn’t help but think about the baby I should have been heavy with by this point.

I don’t begrudge her the joy of her baby, of course. I just wish mine could be here too.

****************

June 2011

The “real” bills are starting to arrive regularly and the dollars are adding up. At first, it felt like insult added to injury. Not only did I not bring my baby home, a miscarriage cost more than a live birth! I’ve decided instead of dreading those little square envelopes, I’m going to say a little prayer of thanks every time I open one. After all, if it weren’t for the ambulance service, hospital and doctors who are sending bills, I wouldn’t be here to worry about paying them!

postscript: YES!! Due to our being on a single income, we discovered that not one but TWO of our largest bills were completely forgiven. I spent an afternoon in happy tears and feeling gratitude for unexpected blessings.

**************

July 2011

I find myself thinking of my little one more and more as my due date approaches. Was the baby a girl or a boy? It doesn’t really  matter, I suppose. But seeing pregnant women who are just about the stage I would have been at this month sometimes brings a stab of pain to my heart. In my more tired, vulnerable moments, I find tears coming to my eyes.

But most of the time, I trust that my baby was just not meant to come for some reason. I am starting to recognize how different that pregnancy was from my first two. I wasn’t very sick – and I was wretched with my first two. I just felt different last time.

Fears about getting pregnant again definitely surfaced this month since I am at a point physically where I’m healthy enough to get pregnant. My cycle was regular within a month of the miscarriage but I wanted to build my system back up again after the severe blood loss. This month, I have to admit I’m completely back to myself. But, the thought of getting pregnant and possibly losing another baby or almost dying again really gives me pause. I spent about a week before my cycle was due reliving the experience, feeling that faintness and seeing blood everywhere. Maybe it’s kind of like PTSD?

Then, I reminded myself that one of the primary lessons I learned from almost not being here – was to BE HERE. I am determined to experience life to the fullest and not let fear hold me back. So, I put those thoughts out of my mind and decided I’d cross that bridge when I come to it.

August 2011 – November 2011

While I still miss my little one and always will, I am not morbidly depressed or constantly in mourning. This may be because I already have two children to keep me busy. I want to grieve in a healthy way but still stay engaged in life.

I am learning to speak of my baby – not only here but in “real” life too. I am open about admitting I have had a miscarriage when it is appropriate and I’m not afraid to stretch the realms of what is appropriate either. I hope that kind of honesty from me and others will open the door for us as parents, family and friends to mourn miscarriage loss as legitimately as the loss of  loved ones we have had a chance to meet and love in person.

Lastly, most of you know that we are again expecting a little one sometime next year. I hope this encourages those of you who’ve had a miscarriage – whether or not it was as physically dramatic as mine. There IS life and hope after grief and loss!

Please keep commenting and sending me your stories. My hope is that women searching for hope and encouragement will find this blog and your comments and know they are not alone.

Recovering Physically from Miscarriage & Hemorrhage

Recovering Spiritually from Miscarriage & Hemorrhage

Please pass this on if you know of someone who it might encourage.

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Aug 04
0

Recovering from Miscarriage; Overcoming “The LIST”

By | Miscarriage | 8 Comments

If you’ve had a miscarriage before, you know about “The List”. After miscarrying a baby you’ve been dreaming of holding, it’s only normal to compile the list. On that list go all the things we worry might have contributed to our baby’s demise.

We compile the list because we wants answers and a way to avoid pain in the future. But the truth is, a lot of pregnancies end in the first trimester and even after because the baby isn’t developing properly. My pragmatic side accepts this truth but my “that was my baby!” side doesn’t accept it.

That side of me created this list.

1. I worked to exhaustion the week before I miscarried. I had a list of housework to complete and kept going till my feet couldn’t hold me anymore.

2. I ate too much Chocolate. ‘Cause of its caffeine-like affect on our bodies. On my list of things to do the weekend I had my miscarriage was making a huge chocolate cake from scratch. Not only was I worn out but I worried that eating this might have caused my miscarriage.

3. I carried my two year old in a backpack while hiking (yes, all in the same weekend). But, I was in the habit of hiking regularly (and carrying my daughters too).

These were the items on my immediate list. Of course, the list has another side as well. It’s where you list all the things you think should have told you this pregnancy might not be a healthy one.

I only had a few…

1. I didn’t feel as sick. The 15-18 weeks of my first two pregnancies were miserable because I was sick 24/7. I woke nauseous, spent the daylight hours wishing I could be asleep to escape it and went to bed nauseous. This time, I started feeling better around 10 weeks, which made me nervous.

2. I wasn’t as emotional/exhausted this time.  My husband is a trooper and handles my crazy pregnancy mood swings very well. But, he even noticed that this time, I seemed my normal self.

I think every woman who has miscarried creates some version of the list. It is a normal part of the grieving process to look for answers.

But Mama, I hope you realize as I did, that you probably didn’t do anything to cause your miscarriage.

One thing that helped me to regain perspective and put the list behind me was to remember that moms in third world countries who have terrible diets have live babies.

Moms on crack have live babies (though often severely challenged).

If my baby didn’t make it through the first trimester despite my healthy diet and lifestyle habits, it probably wasn’t meant to be. Our womanly bodies are wiser than we recognize.

That doesn’t mean I won’t have a healthy baby in the future and that goes for you too. I decided to take the time to recover – physically, emotionally and spiritually. I cried when I needed to and I was silent when I wanted silence. I also made myself seek the company of others who reminded me that life is good.

Since I was pregnant 3 months, I gave my body at least three months to get back to normal. A pregnancy that ends in miscarriage takes as much out of us as a live birth and our bodies needs to recoup the reserves before we try again. I ate fresh, unprocessed foods, took my chinese herbs, prenatal vitamins (mainly because of the extreme blood loss) and exercised.

And, I trust that my body will carry a baby to term again when and if it’s time. I hope you trust yours too.

Recovering Physically from Miscarriage & Hemorrhage

Recovering Spiritually from Miscarriage & Hemorrhage

Share this if you know of someone who it might encourage.

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